do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Randomize
