you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
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