Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
