Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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