pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
