I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
