First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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