Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Randomize
