I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
