I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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