my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
So much Jack, so little girl.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Who died my cat blue again?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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