She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
