the condom got lost in my hair
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
The air was thick with penises
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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