I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
