his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
