I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
