Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
