today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
The air was thick with penises
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
