who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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