I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
