You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
