He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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