Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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