I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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