Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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