...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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