I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
