Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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