Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
