I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I just gift wrapped bread.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
