Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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