dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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