Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
