I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize