What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
