ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
