ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
