I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
we're making bets on your personal life
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize