I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
