i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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