I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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