Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
