After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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