Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
