Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
