but the lizard people decide everything anyway
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
