hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize