I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Randomize
