Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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