I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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