it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize
