I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Randomize
