at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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