I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
