Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
