I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
