Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
