i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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