Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
