How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
