Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
