I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I want her autograph on my taint
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
