Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
