I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
